Secret Shared by Happy Couples
We live in a world that is always looking for the “secret.” We want the formula or 5 simple steps to a great______ (you fill in the blank…..) marriage, career, life….
What is the secret to marriages that work? The Gottman Institute has been asking that question for the past 40 years and the research is clear. Marriages that last are built upon friendship.
It turns out that friendship provides couples with a solid starting point for everything else that happens in their relationship. What I have noticed in my 11 years as a couples’ therapist is that life has a way of getting in the way. The busier we get with children, work, household responsibilities, extended family obligations and many other worthwhile activities, the less time we have for just enjoying being together. Friendship requires some intentional effort to maintain.
What do you and your partner enjoy doing together? When we were first married, one thing we enjoyed was going to antique shops together. After our children started arriving, we realized that taking toddlers into an antique store could end up being a very expensive outing. Especially since my favorite area of the store is usually the glassware department. So, we had to re-evaluate and find some other things. We began walking with our kids in the strollers or the wagon. When they got a little older, we started riding bikes as a family. Now as empty nesters we walk in our neighborhood and enjoy hiking on the many nature trails our area has to offer.
As a couple we realized soon after we were married that we really had very few common interests. It has been fun over the last 33 years exploring together new activities to do together. Sometimes I do things with him that he enjoys and sometimes he does things with me that I enjoy and then we fill in with things we have found we both enjoy.
As a therapist I would encourage you and your partner to make time to do fun things together. I would say this is especially important if you are struggling in your relationship. Think of the things you used to do that were fun and do those again, try new things together and make spending time together a priority.
Kurt and I have always said, “the most important thing we can do for our children is to have a happy marriage.” Our kids are all grown and I am glad we made our friendship a priority because we sure are enjoying our time together now.