Quality Friendships
What do you enjoy most about a friendship? How would you determine the quality of your friendships?
Recently Annie and I stopped at the Apple Barn Candy Shop in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. The candy shop specialized in chocolate confections not fruity apples. Personally, if I want to find out the quality of a candy shop’s offerings, there are two chocolate selections that lets me to experience the flavor notes of their candy making skills…chocolate turtles (pecans and caramel) and dark chocolate caramels with a few sea salt grains sprinkled on top. Yum! You might think, is there such a thing as a bad piece of chocolate candy? Yes. The chocolate needs to be creamy and smooth. The caramel can’t be hard to bite into. The pecans must be fresh and not have that nutty after taste. But, Kurt, aren’t you being a little too picky about your candies? I am picky because I have a high anticipation for my purchased chocolate. I want the first bite to be nirvana. And if I’m sharing, and of course I will. I want my friend to have a nirvana candy experience, too.
Friendship is a lost art. I can tell you I have 950 friends on Facebook. I post daily. I have 39 followers on Instagram. People are more connected now more than ever, but our social media has not stimulated more friendships, but isolation, depression, anxiety and loneliness. It has created “phubbing.” Phubbing is the practice of ignoring one's companion or companions in order to pay attention to one's phone or other mobile device. My phubbing connections help me convey facts and events about me, but they don’t really help foster a quality friendship. I want a trustworthy relationship built on mutual shared appreciation and sacrifice.
Some people believe friendship means doing stuff together every Friday or Saturday night. Others believe friends have common hobbies they do together (Reading, Hiking, Movies, Games, Sports). Still others believe friendship means giving advice when their friends are going through a tough patch. These are important activities that nurture the friendship. Plus, when you stir in the ingredients of compassion, trust, loyalty, vulnerability, and commonality you will be well on your way to a quality friendship.
Today, I would like to share with those reading this, that a subtle, but highly important quality in a friendship is listening. Just as a sprinkle of sea salt on a chocolate caramel, listening brings out the hidden qualities of a friendship. A friend listens with a non-judgmental spirit. A friend sets aside their personal distractions and give their full attention. Why? Your friend, if they trust you, might want to take a risk and make themselves vulnerable. They might have just gathered up enough courage to share a personal story they have not told anyone else before. And here’s where you can be a high-quality friend – listen without solving the problem – listen without giving advice – listen without sharing the juicy story with other folks.
James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
Giving answers and solving problems are not what your friend wants. They want to feel your empathy and unconditional positive regard. They want to know they won’t be judged or belittled or laughed at. They want to know that you will walk with them not how dark the story might be.
My high school freshman English teacher, Mrs. Kensinger, was a former Army sergeant in World War II. She commanded your attention, and you listened. I don’t remember much from what she taught about English grammar. However, I remember she gave the room full of immature teenagers’ advice about marriage and friendship. She said, “A married relationship is not 50/50. The husband must give 100% attend to the wife and the wife must give 100% attend to the husband. Why? In any friendship there are times when it doesn’t feel like they are paying attention to you.”
Listen is giving 100% of yourself to friend. I believe that you will be pleasantly surprised how your friends will have a greater appreciation for you as person in Christ and a valued friend when you put into motion what you hear from God. LISTEN. “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:13)
PRAYER: God, help me become a good listener for my friend. You have listened to my struggles and hurts. You offered grace and love. When I feel the strong urge to correct or judge, remind me of the patience you had with me and your own disciple friends. You believed in their giftedness and took time to listen to their stories. Thank you, God for giving me this important friendship. I desire to be the best listener possible. Amen.