Don’t Worry About It; And Other Responses Anxious People Find Unhelpful
Don’t Worry About It; And Other Responses Anxious People Find Unhelpful
“Just don’t think about that,” or “It’s not that bad,” or one of my favorites, “You’re blowing this out of proportion.” Anxiety is not about what is actually happening, it is usually about what might or could possibly happen in the future. If you have anxiety, you understand this, your imagination can conjure up all kinds of terrible scenarios. If you don’t have anxiety, however, this may seem like something that could be controlled by a simple choice to not think about it.
Let’s look at this from both sides. On the one hand, having anxiety feels terrible, like the night before a big test or standing in front of the class getting ready to give a presentation, terrible, except it is all the time. And on the other hand, living with someone who has anxiety is also very difficult. You can feel helpless and hopeless when your best, most logical explanations are not helping. Both are true. Both emotions are valid. It is hard to be anxious and it is hard to live with an anxious person.
The key is understanding. Putting yourself in the others’ shoes. Imagining what it must be like for the other. Anxious people can easily feel misunderstood. Being anxious is a full body experience, butterflies in the stomach, accelerated heartbeat, shallow breathing, back and shoulder tightness, headache, and the strong feeling of impending doom. Most of us if we are honest have felt all these things. It is normal and even healthy to feel these things during stressful moments in our lives.
Clinical anxiety is different. Sometimes when you ask an anxious person what they are anxious about, they may not be able to tell you. If you are living with anxiety, you are a warrior. Simple activities like grocery shopping or family get togethers require so much work, so if you are doing the hard work of anxiety management kudos to you. Living with anxiety requires loads of energy and the diligent use of coping strategies. When people are anxious, they typically do not sleep well, and worry, as well as constant panic can be draining. Coping strategies are as diverse as the people who use them. The key is finding strategies that work for you.
If you love someone with anxiety, check in with them and ask if there are things you can do to help. As someone who deals with anxiety myself, when my husband, Kurt, gives me a hug and tells me that it will be ok, I feel heard, and I feel better. I have a hard time believing that things will be ok when I tell myself this, but somehow coming from Kurt it works, and I feel I am not alone. It’s like he is now thinking about the thing I am worried about and as a team we will face it. When, in the past he has tried to “fix it” or come up with rational reasons why I shouldn’t feel the way I do I just felt more alone. I usually understand that what I am worried about it is not rational, and he trusts me to use my coping strategies to manage my emotions. I am so thankful for the way he has learned to walk with me through the anxiety instead of just trying to get it to go away. You can do this for your loved one too.
It is also important for me as a person with anxiety, to put myself in Kurt’s shoes, to try to understand what it is like watching the person you love be miserable for what seems like unnecessary reasons. When I was in working on my Masters my professor would often say, “I am cold, you put on a sweater.” This was a very simplistic way of saying, “I am anxious, you fix it.” For me thinking about my husband and what it is like to be married to me, motivates me to use my coping strategies and not make my anxiety his problem. He supports me but I do the work to manage my anxiety. I don’t want him to be burdened with something I need to do for myself. This is how I take care of him. Also, taking a step back from my own life and being interested in his life, is good for both of us. Being anxious can be all consuming and it can be easy to focus solely on myself and my fears, my pain, and my concerns. I have found having room for him helps me get my mind off my anxiety and that is a nice break.
So, the next time you want to say, “that’s silly, that will never happen,” remember that feeling anxious is a terrible feeling and do something that helps your loved one know you hear them and care for them. And the next time your loved one says something like this to you when you are feeling anxious, try to hear it as someone who loves you and wants you to feel better and then do your own work using your coping strategies.
If you have anxiety and want to know how to “put on your own sweater,” give us a call and we will help you find your way through anxiety to a better life. If you love someone with anxiety and need some support yourself, we would love to help you navigate these difficult waters as well.